Leveraging The Hottie and The Nottie

via chickencrap.com

Every once in a great while, an opportunity arises for every bachelor to fall on his sword for the greater good. In this particular instance, I refer not to a dick joke, but to the modern conundrum of the beautiful, classy girl at the bar that’s interested in you, but has an appearance-challenged friend glued to her hip. This, my friends, is the tale of The Hottie and the Nottie.

Generally difficult to approach, the Hottie becomes infinitely more accessible once you’ve gained an introduction by her friend.  Compliment the Nottie on something, buy her a drink or take a (convincingly) genuine interest in her in any way, and you’ve got a much better chance of getting a back-door (no pun intended) route to the girl that you (or your boy that you owe a favor to) is coveting.

Best case scenario: The Nottie has a really good personality, and is just out looking for a “wholesome” good time while simultaneously trying to protect The Hottie from the vultures that will inevitably hit on her.  Worst case scenario: The two young ladies in question are somehow in competition with each other (cousins, sisters, or just inherently jealous, negative, and all-around evil).

via buzzman-tv.com

In the case of the latter, if you are clever enough to deduce the personal dynamics in time, your best bet is probably to stay away. That is, unless you are extremely attracted to the Hottie, or really just don’t give a shit. Claws will fly, dirty looks will be exchanged, and you and your boy will both end up going home alone.

If there is no underlying ill-will between the two birds, you and your buddy are in prime position to swoop in. I recommend not calling dibs on one girl or the other until you’ve actually hung out with them a bit, in order to gauge which one of you has a better chance with the Hottie, and let her decide who she’d be willing to consider “coming over to watch a movie” with. My brother and I have succeeded with this tactic on two notable occasions. The first time was on a cruise ship (a breeding ground for young wets), in which case he was the one to jump on the grenade. While he disarmed the Nottie by giving her more attention than she has ever received in her life, I was able to slip away with the Hottie to go make out.

Another point worth noting here is that ‘volunteering’ to appease the Nottie isn’t necessarily a poor decision. Several years later, back in NYC at this point, the tables were turned and I stepped up to “pay him back” (a key element of Hottie-Nottie etiquette – don’t be greedy). I ended up scoring that very night, whereas he ended up dedicating several evenings to wooing the Hottie and ultimately succeeded only in lightening his wallet. Granted, my experience wasn’t the stuff that Vivid Entertainment is made of, but it was at least an experience involving a great pair of breasts.