Top 10 Things to Do Before Your Thirties

When I was 18, I vividly remember thinking how old 30 sounded, and how many things I thought I would’ve accomplished by the time I had reached that milestone.  I was not yet aware of the law of nature that months and years seem to pass faster and faster the older one gets.  If you are fortunate enough to still be closer to the “perfect age” of life, universally agreed upon as being 23, here’s some humble advice on acts that you should try your damndest to complete in the next 84 months.  Actually wait, 83 months.

10.  Have a threesome. First off, this is a wish list, not a deposition, so I’ll admit upfront that I have yet to achieve this myself.  Clearly, getting it on with two women at once is a fantasy of 99% of straight males, so I won’t expand on this other than to say that there is absolutely no shame in going ugly early in order to pull this off.   Instead, I did an in-depth investigation with my friends (I started a gchat thread), and this is what they said about threesomes:

• The best advice I’ve received on the subject was this:  Be the last man standing.  Only good things can happen if you are just hanging around, down for whatever at 4am.
• I’m pretty sure if I was ever propositioned for a threesome I would laugh real hard, engage only because I feel like I should, and fail miserably at satisfying all three participants.
• So many variables are involved, is it like pitching a perfect game? Is it luck or skill? Both? Does a threesome with a girlfriend count? Or is that a different thing?
• Wait, I can’t have a threesome after 30?? Actually, I guess at that point you become a swinger.

9.  Vomit in a taxi.  But be apologetic about it, Keanu. It has to be at least 1 am for this to become a funny story.  Extra points if you are with a hot girl when this happens and still manage to take her home.  You should also tip well, if you still have any cash on you after unleashing your inner beast on the city.

8.  Drive cross country. Any country.  Luxembourg doesn’t count.  Roadside restaurants in the middle of nowhere can be a frugal bachelor’s dream come true.

7.  Simultaneously date two girls that are both five years your junior and senior at the same time. The Frugal Bachelor and Dateline NBC suggest that you wait until you are at least 23 — the perfect age again — for this one.  Make sure to stay on top of your game for this one, as you are gonna need to plan carefully, and keep your cell phone to yourself so there’s zero chance of them crossing paths.

6.  Get fired from a job because you are going to a party, or some other stupid reason.  You’ll find a way to replace that $6.25 an hour, and it becomes a bigger issue to replace your salary and benefits a bit later on.  The stakes get much higher if you trash your professional reputation at a ‘real’ job.

5.  Get kicked out of a professional sporting event or concert. You weren’t “really there” unless you were forced to leave by a uniformed guard.

4.  Ruin a rented tuxedo, but return it anyway and never get charged for it.  Self-explanatory.

3.  Open a 401k AND a Roth IRA.  While not as sexy as a three-way, this will make you a baller in the long run.  The earlier you open up retirement accounts, the longer that dough has to compound, and the more comfortable you’ll be later in life, in return for a relatively very small cost to your present livelihood.  Think long-term.

2.  Listen to Ready To Die at least 100 times.  It gets deeper every time.

1.  Lose your virginity.

Some respectable runners up, which, for those adventurous still-twenty-somethings out there, could all be completed in one night:

• Have a drunken night so crazy that even you are amazed by the tale.  In a good way.  There will be plenty of nights that you’d rather not talk about.
• Sleep with a girl from each continent.
  
• Go to Vegas – but only for 48 hours; that’s enough.  You’ll see why.
• Take an “upper decker” at a crowded party.  Only if the recipient truly deserves it.  There are a lot of assholes out there, so you can probably find a way to justify this.

If you are able to accomplish at least a simple majority of the aforementioned achievements by the time you enter your fourth decade, you’ll be in a great position to eventually become this guy: